The Anatomy of Nothingness

Why is it that on those rare occasions, having nothing to do in the office is almost always accompanied by an inescapable sense of guilt?

Shit I work as hard as everyone else – in fact – heck a lot more than quite a few others in the office. I come in early unlike most people. I work thru’ lunch on many a day and when it calls for it – I take work home at night and over weekends.

Then every now and then you catch a bone and realize that WTF – I’m all done. There is really nothing else to tend to in my In Box, my emails are all cleared filed or deleted, My desk – well it’s as clean as it is ever gonna get. So that’s it.

You check the time – Fuck! – it’s 2.20pm.

 

Okay the boss is not around today. Shit – boss is on leave and I’m supposed to be in charge … Now I get to look dictatorial. Cool! Hang on he's a director so I guess I have to look directorial. Bleeaah! I rather look dictatorial. I already have a hairstyle reminiscent of Hitler on a bad hair day. Okay okay will settle to look directorial... Hmmm does that mean I can leave early? Damn why is there never a meeting in sight when you need one?

Time 2.35pm … I’ve already looked thru' just about very website I could think of. Trying to look busy for more than 10 minutes is really hard work.

Damn now it’s starting to drizzle … typical Christmas weather! Wish I were in bed sleeping … Who you trying to kid? If I were in bed.. I wouldn’t be sleeping … Nah the TV would be on to the History Channel on the development of rockets or some documentary on evolution. Well that’s still better than sitting here.

Ah good someone’s come to ask me something …. Okay look busy and irritated with the interruption … Shit all he wanted was a yes. That’s not even a four-letter word.

Discreet check on the watch – damn damn – 2.47… this day is never going to end …

Wish I had a proper office rather than a cubicle. You can cocoon yourself with a door. In an open office – that’s kinda hard to do.

Read a Gary Larson comic strip about cows ruling the earth … stop smiling .. you are supposed to be busy.

Ahh a peal of thunder … wonder which idiot thought of that – peal of thunder – quite a mismatch – peal sounding so flower-like and thunder – the male phlegm-induced voice of God … now I’m getting philosophical. Shit … automatic spell correction … takes all the guesswork out of life and my ever dubious spelling.

Type, type, type … half a page done. Am I good or what … I look busy. My forced frowning is starting to hurt. Stop smiling … you are supposed to be pissed, maybe I should hit the keys harder. Maybe I should type using all 10 fingers … Nah let’s not kill yourself.

Take a walk … walk fast and look busy muttering to yourself .. that always clears people out of my path.

Head to the toilet … that’s always a good place to go when you are trying to look pissed. And you can actually do it there... piss I mean. Speaking of piss, it reminds me of a quote I read like five minutes ago while doing "research". It went like this: "Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it but only you gets that warm feeling it brings" ... wow cosmic!

Okay back to my desk. Time check – 3.50pm

Hmmm making progress. Let’s see – quitting time is 6.30pm to that means … wait .. grab calculator .. that’s 160 minutes or .. wait … or 9,600 seconds … I can hold my breath for about a minute before I turn blue .. that’s 60 seconds killed for all time so it will be … wait 9,540 seconds left ….

Damn this is a long day ….