Sunday, January 10, 2010

Guys don't shop - we just buy things

The other half should have known this by now ... certainly after all these years ...

It's simple really - if you want us to help with the groceries - beyond the manual, unpaid, unappreciated hard labour of physically carrying the hundred-odd bags to the car - fine but be clear in what you ask of us.

"Grab a carton of eggs" = I will take the first carton I see. No that's always the wrong one. If you want a specific brand or type - then you have to tell us 'cos all eggs look pretty much alike to us mortal men.

"Don't you know we always use the low-cholesterol ones?" Huh were these chickens on a diet or something? To me, all eggs look and taste the same - really - when fried and served on a plate - with bacon - the more the better. That kinda makes all this "low cholesterol" crap kinda redundant ya?

Vegetables to us are just decorative pieces, part of the scenery on the plate. Yeah we may occasionally wolf down that sprig of celery you threw in but its not for the taste or alleged nutritional value - we are just too lazy to move it out of the way.

Who knew there are over 100 types of cereal and of these, only one is "our regular brand". I didn't even know we had a regular brand as me and breakfast don't get along. A cup of coffee in the morning - now that's breakfast. Don't ask me what brand I take - guys are simple creatures - we take whatever is there - whatever is easier to make - that's our brand and yes they all taste the same - whether it comes from South America or Asia - coffee is coffee and we are fine with that - really!

Guys don't shop - okay let me clarify this - REAL guys don't shop and I'm not talking of the prissy sort with their Chinky faces trying to pull off a dyed-burgundy hair or those oh-so-fake manicured eyebrows on faces that don't even seem old enough to shave - no - real guys - MEN (we barely comb our hair) - don't shop. If we need something, we go out and buy it. We don't need lists. Anything more than three items will fall out of our heads.

We - men - are not by nature, creatures primed to work on impulse. We don't need to browse and pick up every single item we see, read the label - comment on the nice packaging and then replace it cos it's not on "special" or it simply ain't our brand or 'cos we had absolutely no intension of buying it in the first place!. I think women browse mindlessly on purpose - just to irritate us guys as forward punishment for some silly thoughtless act we will certainly commit later in the day.

And speaking of thoughtlessness, why can't supermarkets have seats - for those of us poor souls who were dragged along if only to avoid the nagging.

For guys - brands at least for groceries and such - don't really exist. We are simple creatures of habit - Soap is soap - our brand is the brand you bought whatever that is - it comes in a white bottle but that is as far as we can recall.

Don't ask me to buy raw pasta. They all look the same to me. When I order pasta at a restaurant I just point at the picture - I don't need to know its name or pedigree - life is short - introductions aren't necessary. If there are no pictures we just order by the numbers since we can't figure out what we are ordering much less pronounce those fancy names.

Everything tastes fine to a guy. You don't need to ask. And no ... please don't spoil a meal with conversation. We are military-trained - which means we can eat in three minutes flat, take a bath in five (cos we wash only the body parts that which we can see assuming we were paying attention in the first place), dress in two minutes - we usually remember to zip up the fly but in a rush, that's optional - and be at the TV in one - just in time for our game to start.

Now is all this too difficult to remember ... maybe I should make you a list ...

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